The Guiding Light
by Love-el-ly Joy
Summary: Wesley reflects on Lilah after her death in Season Four. I'm hoping I nailed Wesley's serious-but-sometimes-sarcastically-funny manner. I think I did pretty well with the writing and characterization, at least. Really short, as well. xD


_A/N: I was on IM with my friend and it was taking her FOREVER to upload a YouTube video, so it got to be 11:45 at night and she was like, "Are you planning on going to bed anytime soon? Because if you do you'll have to watch it in the morning." So I decided that I would work on a rant-y fanfic that I've been wanting to do for a while. It's about Lilah and Wesley (of course. Because my favorite couples from the show were Spuffy, Lesley, and Dangel. XD) I hope you enjoy. __J It's pretty short as well, only about a page and a half in 12.5 Times New Roman font._

_The Guiding Light_

Lilah has been dead for quite a while now.

It's not like I haven't accepted this. I have. I've known since the moment I saw the body that she was really dead - not a vampire, not desperately in need of a blood transfer, but gone. She wasn't coming back in any way, shape, or form.

I also knew that it wasn't Angelus.

Why would he want Lilah? I'm fairly certain he didn't care much about me. He would have gone for Cordelia, Angel's weak link, assuming he couldn't get to Sunnydale in time to terrorize Buffy and her friends some more. And he took that into much consideration, as Angel later told us. Angelus spent a whole ten minutes - and that truly was a long time for him - deliberating whether he wanted to remain in L.A. or go to Sunnydale. Eventually he decided on L.A. because Sunnydale wasn't out of sunlight yet.

That only left one possibility as to who could have killed her: Cordelia. Even if she were hiding somewhere, she would've heard someone come into the hotel, track down Lilah, and kill her. Lilah would've screamed at the very least: she liked to make her presence known. I knew this and I didn't much care. Whatever happened would happen, and it didn't matter. The one woman that I could ever truly love was dead, and nothing in my world could ever possibly be right again.

Lilah always was by my side. She was the only one that stuck around when everyone turned on me, and she was still there when I was replaced by some unknown benevolent force with my friends. Lilah trusted me enough to return to the Hyperion with me; trusted my judgment in knowing that they wouldn't kill her upon seeing her. She trusted me and I let her down by letting her die.

Not that I blame myself for her death. That was on Cordelia, not me. I had no idea what would happen when I left the two of them alone together in the hotel with a large fork of some sort. Because, yes, I do blame Cordelia. It has to be her fault, somehow, that she was possessed. Something she did; something she said; something she touched. Perhaps she was cursed years ago when flipping through one of Giles' books and it didn't begin to manifest itself until now. It happened often - the curse would sit inside and eventually begin to fester when the time was right. Cordelia was just its pawn that it used to move and think.

God, I miss Lilah. When she was running around in the sewers, at least I knew that she was all right and most likely thinking of me. I even had a general idea of where she was: I knew that she had to have been injured in some way and wouldn't be physically able to go very far away. Now, I have no idea where she might be, what condition she's in, and whether or not she's happy. Hopefully she's floating in a cloud somewhere experiencing a pleasant feeling of sheer bliss, but somehow I highly doubt that. Wolfram and Hart is too stupid to let one of its best employees go to waste in Heaven. Lilah was probably still running files and being forced to help them plot world domination.

Yes, being forced to help plot world domination. Lilah wasn't evil. She never had been evil. She had a good soul and a good, solid core made of gold somewhere inside of her, and I think that the knowledge of its being there caused her to want to become a lawyer for Wolfram and Hart. Basic fifth-year psychology.

Lilah Morgan. When I think of her, I think of laughter; life. Of hope. She _was_ my laughter, my life, and my hope through all of those months when everything and everyone else that I loved abandoned me. Lilah was my guiding light, and I still doubt that she will ever fade.


End file.
